Living with Anxiety – Karl part 9

Well I have decided to revisit my anxiety blog even though it has been 18 months since my last post. This one is going to explore my younger self. I had a chat with a friend recently about my anxiety and it was questioned if my anxiety started when I was stabbed or if it had started when I was young. so I’m going to talk about me when I was young.

First I will tell you about my family, I have an older brother (3 years older) and a younger sister (2 years younger). My parents met when they were 13 (ish) and upon see my Mum he told his friend that she would be the one he would marry. They did of course marry (and stayed together until my Mum passed away nearly 50 years later). Growing up we had 2 holidays a year, 2 weeks in June and a week in September. They didn’t have loads of money so had to save most of the year to afford our trips to Rhyl or Devon. We use to save our pocket money using the school bank (we took money to school and they logged it and then returned it ready for your holidays) We stayed in caravans and on the last day we were allowed to spend every penny of our spence (Normally in Woolworths). Now these were very happy times in my life.

My parents worked a lot to bring in enough money to pay the bills, feed and cloth us. like most families in the early 80s we sometimes had babysitters so our parents could work, I remember my Mum worked evenings at Tescos and my dad in the evenings collected insurance money. He use to have to drive around and knock on doors to collect the money and then write it in his little book. When we didn’t have a babysitter us 3 kids use to get in the back of the car with a duvet and my Dad would drive around knocking on doors with us in the back of the car. it was how life was then, and quiet fun really, we got to stay up late (ish).

When we did have babysitters just like every other family (I presume) The babysitter was a teenage nextdoor neighbour or family member. Our babysitter when I was about 8 (ish) was our 16 year old nextdoor neighbour. (I know her name but I not bringing names in to this) She used to put my sister to bed and plonk my brother in front of the telly and we would go upstairs. Me and the babysitter would play mums and dads. She would show me her breasts and other parts, She would have me touch her and told me that this was what mums and dads did. we would act like we were a real mummy and daddy. It was a game to me, well until she got pregnant and I went to school thinking I was going to be a real Dad. I told all in school very proud that I was to become a father. my friends laughed. I never understood why they laughed. I was convinced that I was the father of this 16 year old girls child. I was 8 remember. I must say that this is only the second time I have spoke of this since that time, I told my Mum years later and she cried, sorry for letting me go through it, I still don’t see it as a bad thing in my life, a confusing time yes.